All I Have
by SuperBex
Summary: BA 'All I Have Is All Of Me, And It's All That I Can Give.' Can Bobby tell Alex how he feels before he loses her forever?


**I'm relatively new to the CI fandom and this is my first CI fic but I've read loads of CI fics on here and they've been fantastic so thanks to you guys! **

**This is, hopefully, the first of a series of one-shots, all loosely based on the songs from one of my favourite albums; Do You Feel by The Rocket Summer. (Now I've mentioned the words "first fic" and "songfic" and half have you have left already!) **

**Anyway, in this story Alex is dating someone but when Bobby finds out how serious it's getting he needs to decide whether to tell Alex how he really feels. **

**Huge thanks to josiris for beta-ing this fic for me and sorting my numerous mistakes!! **

**Dedicated to Vikki, as always, for getting me into this fandom in the first place, and her continued support and awesomeness! hugs **

**Please read and review!**

* * *

I was so engrossed in the file that was laid out before me that I didn't hear her speak. Not the first few times anyway. But soon that voice I knew so well, better than my own, penetrated the world I had forced myself into that afternoon and I raised my head.

Once again I had forgotten to prepare myself. Prepare myself for the inevitable feeling that came when I looked at her. A feeling like my heart bursting and all the air being sucked from my lungs, followed by all coherent thought being erased from my mind. I wondered idly if I'd ever get used to that; until it was a background reaction so common I'd barely notice it, rather than the all-encompassing life-stopping feeling that it was at the moment.

Alex was staring at me now. Probably wondering for the umpteenth time what was going on in my head. She knew me better than anyone, but even she was in the dark sometimes. Especially when my thoughts concerned her.

"Bobby?" she was saying, as she had been for the past few minutes.

I shook my head, waiting for my heart to still, my breath to return and my thoughts to realign.

"Yeah sorry, what?" I said when I felt normal again. Well, as normal as I ever felt.

"I was just trying to say goodbye, but I can see your head is somewhere else." Alex smiled good-naturedly, used to my absentmindedness.

I wanted to correct her; tell her my head was right here, with her, but I stopped.

You see, I'm not allowed to feel the way I do about my partner. Not just because she's my partner; but because she has someone else now.

"Sorry, I was just thinking. Do you have plans?" It was rare for her to leave as soon as our shift finished unless she had somewhere to be. I was dreading her answer, already knowing what it would be.

She smiled. "Yeah, Daniel's taking me to dinner."

Another familiar feeling. That of my blood running cold and the sound of my heartbeat thumping in my ears.

Daniel McAllister has been seeing my partner for almost six months now. She moved in with him last month. I guess you could say he swept her off her feet. Hard to imagine, isn't it? I had never thought Alexandra Eames could be swept away; if I had known, trust me I'd have tried it a long time ago.

Though I'm sure I would've tried and failed: Daniel McAllister is everything I'm not. He's rich and powerful, CEO of his family company, heir to the large family fortune. My NYPD Detective pales in comparison.

He's charming and charismatic. Everybody's best friend. He strolls through parties, telling hilarious jokes and compelling stories. A real people person.To say I'm not exactly known for my people skills would be quite the understatement.

And, well, he's very good-looking. Some might even say handsome. I've been told on a few occasions that I'm attractive in a certain way. But, as Alex has commented before, I'm an "acquired taste". Daniel McAllister is every woman's dream. _Bastard_, I muttered to myself.

Alex dragged me along to one of his company's parties once. A group of young attractive women stood near me, probably secretaries, watching Alex and Daniel as he introduced her to all of his colleagues and friends. One of them remarked that she couldn't understand why Daniel would settle for "someone like her" when he could have any woman he wanted. I wanted to scream at their stupidity. How could they not see what I see? A beautiful, intelligent, funny, warm, special, _amazing_ woman. That was when I realised how badly I had fallen for Alex Eames. How much I loved her.

I know I should be happy for Alex, and I am. Sort of. All I ever wanted was for Alex to be happy, but it kills me to know that it's some other guy who put that radiant smile on her face.

For the second time in a few minutes, I hear Alex calling me away from my thoughts.

"Bobby?" she laughs, clearly amused.

"Sorry, I'm a little… distracted today." I smile back.

"You're always distracted Bobby. I'd better get going, see you tomorrow." She says, resting a hand on my shoulder. I nod in response and she trails her hand across the fabric of my jacket before walking away**. **At least, I think she did. It could all be my overactive imagination yet again.

I call out "goodbye" to her as she reaches the exit and she waves without turning round. I'm glad for that; she can't see the yearning look on my face.

I shake my head, trying (and, of course, failing) to get thoughts of her from my mind and immerse myself back into the paperwork on my desk.

* * *

A few minutes later, I hear a voice calling my name. It's a voice I recognise, but not one I can place. Looking up, I see the one person I really don't want to see. Daniel McAllister is standing beside my desk with that annoyingly perfect smile on his annoyingly perfect face, trying to get my attention.

"Detective Goren," he says smoothly, "I'm looking for Alexandra. Do you know where she is?"

I stumble mentally at his use of her full first name. She hates being called 'Alexandra', she always has. I resist the temptation to laugh as I wonder how she reacts when he calls her that.

"_Alexandra_ just left a few minutes ago." I reply, unable to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

I see a quick narrowing of his eyes and flash of annoyance in them, before he recovers and his smile returns. He has never liked me. I like to think it's because he's threatened by me, by my close relationship with Alex, but his self-confidence leads me to doubt that.

"I see." He says. "We have dinner plans this evening." He feels the need to explain.

"So she said." I say distractedly.

"I'll just have to call her and tell her I'll meet me at home before we go out." I don't know why he's telling me all this; probably to rub my face in it. I force myself to remain calm and not give him the satisfaction of showing how much his relationship with _my_ Alex bothers me.

"I guess you will." I commend myself on how neutral my voice sounds. I can see his anger bubbling beneath the surface, desperate to get a rise out of me.

"It's an important night for us." I raise my eyebrows in question**, **wondering what could be so important that he feels the need to brag about it to me first."I'm going to ask Alexandra-" I wince involuntarily at the use of her full name again "-to marry me."

My whole world comes crashing down around me. I can feel each single blood cell freeze in my veins. All the air in my lungs expands painfully and suddenly my chest feels too small for my organs. Every connection in my brain, every synapse, flickers furiously before shutting down completely. I can't think, can't breathe, can't move. The only thing I can see is Alex, slipping away from me forever.

I don't know how long I stay like that; feeling completely disconnected from the world, but by the time my body and mind return to something near normality, Daniel is smirking at me smugly. I want to jump from my seat and strangle the bastard, but I stop myself. No need to give him anymore satisfaction than I have already.

I don't know where it comes from, or how it even manages to get out, but I hear myself speak. "Congratulations." My voice is a damn-sight more composed than I am.

Daniel's smile widens. "Thanks. Well, I'd better be off now. Don't want to be late." He says with laughter in his voice. I nod stiffly and he leaves.

When I'm sure he's gone, my head falls to my desk and I let the panic overtake me. It spreads through every nerve of my body until it's the only thing I can feel.

My ever-rational mind tries to understand the implications of what I've just heard. Deep down, I had always thought that mine and Alex's friendship would lead somewhere more. I was willing to wait for her. Hell, I'd wait forever for her. If she got married, she would never know how much I truly cared for her, how much I wanted- no, needed her. If she got married, she'd never be mine and what point would my life have then?

It's _that_ moment. That moment in every person's lifetime wherethey have to make a decision that couldchange them forever. The most important decision of your life. I have to decide whether I tell Alex how I feel before she marries him, or if I just let Daniel propose. My instinct, of course, is to tell her; to go to her and pour my heart out before it's too late. But I have to consider what I'm risking. If I tell her how I feel and she rejects me, there's no way we could carry on working together. I'd have to leave Major Case and get a new partner; I'd alsolose my best friend.

The other side of my brain argues back; if I don't tell her and she marries Daniel, how long would it be before seeing them together drove me insane and I'd have to leave anyway? I'm sure I couldn't cope with being around her, knowing that she could never be mine. I nod, understanding this logic, agreeing with it, liking where it was taking me.

The internal argument changes sides again. Why would she choose me? She's my best friend, she understands me like no one else, we work so well together, but she's with Mr Perfect. What on Earth would possess her to pick me over him? He's rich, he's attractive, he's charming. I don't stand a chance, do I?

The other side of my brain fights back; what if she _does_ love me? What if she leaves Daniel and chooses me instead? I allow a smile to pass across my face as images of us together fly through my head. I just _know_ how good we'd be together.

I make my decision and jump from my chair. A young detective walking passed is startled by my quick movements- I make no attempt to apologise. I grab my coat and run from the building. Now that the decision is made, I can't move fast enough. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I register the fact that I have to get to her before Daniel arrives to pick her up, and I have no idea what time they're going out. I hail a cab impatiently and give the driver Alex's new address.

* * *

I spend the whole journey unable to sit still. My fingers tap relentlessly on my leg as my leg bounces up and down. My eyes watch the window intently, the unfamiliar route from work to her new house speeding by. Finally, the cab pulls to a stop outside the building. I pass a few notes to the driver, muttering something about keeping the change, and sprint from the vehicle.

I try to slow my breathing as I press the buzzer for Alex's apartment, noticing that the tag next to it only reads "Daniel McAllister". Something about that makes me smile.

"Hello?" her voice filters through the speaker and just the familiar sound of it comforts me.

"Hey Alex, it's me."

"Bobby, what are you doing here?" I can hear the smile beneath her confused tone.

"Can I come up?" I ask.

"Sure." The door clicks and swings open before me.

I can't help but be impressed as I walk up to her apartment. The building just screams "expensive" at you. Every surface sparkles in the huge entrance hall and corridors. I feel doubt creeping into me; why would she leave this behind for me? I push that thought away instantly though- Alex isn't materialistic like that.

I raise my hand to knock on her door but it opens before I can.

"Wow." I say, breathless. She is dressed for her dinner with Daniel in a long, dark blue dress, which compliments her slim figure and clings in all the right places. Her blonde hair hangs in softcurls around her face and her subtle make-up enhances her beauty rather than smothering it. Her feet are still bare from where she hasn't quite finished getting ready yet. A silver diamond necklace hangs around her neck. She looks perfect, as always. I wish she were dressed up for me.

She just laughs at me. "Thanks, Bobby." She stands back from the door, beckoning me inside. The inside of the apartment is just as impressive as the outside.

"Nice place." I say, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I guess." She says, walking towards the kitchen.

"You guess?" I asked with a laugh. She laughs too as she shrugs.

"You know me Bobby; I couldn't care less what my apartment looks like." I feel comforted by that, clearly Daniel's wealth is of little importance to her. I take in her attire again as I follow her into the kitchen.

"You're not just about to go out are you?" I ask, wondering how long I have before Daniel gets here.

"No, I've got a while yet. I'm just ready early." She smiles. "Not that I don't love seeing you, but why are you here?" she asks.

"Oh, right, yeah." I stutter, unsure of myself now that the time has come. I take a deep breath but it does little to calm my nerves. Alex just waits for me to continue.

"I know you've been with Daniel a while now and things are getting kind of serious and you seem really happy with him and he's got all this money, but-" I start rambling, barely pausing for breath before she interrupts me.

She narrows her eyes at me suspiciously. "What is this about Bobby?"

"Daniel's going to propose!" I blurt out, unable to keep it in.

"What?!" she exclaims. She's clearly shocked but I can't tell if it's good-shocked or bad-shocked. Her eyes are wide and her mouth is hanging open. If I wasn't so nervous right now, I'd smile at how adorable she looks.

"How do you know that?!" she demands, her voice high-pitched now.

"He came in to work just after you left. He was looking for you. He told me he was going to ask you tonight." I mumble and I'm surprised she even manages to hear me.

"Oh my God." She says softly as she leans against the kitchen cabinets behind her.

"Are you going to say yes?" I ask. This isn't they way I planned this conversation to go, but I can't stop myself from asking now.

"I don't know!" she says, her arms flailing around her.

Then she stops moving suddenly and turns to me. "Wait a minute," she begins quietly, "why are you telling me this? Isn't Daniel supposed to be asking me tonight?"

She is looking at me with a hardened expression on her face and I feel uncomfortable under her gaze. I don't know what to say to her now, how to explain myself, where to start.

"I don't want you to marry him!" My mouth betrays my mind once again as the words slip out in a rush. I can't seem to stop myself from blurting out the first thing that comes into my head. That's the effect she has on me; I can't even think straight around her.

If I thought she looked shocked before, it's nothing compared to her face now. I can see gears turning inside her head as she tries to figure out what I mean. After a long moment, I can take the silence no longer.

"I know you'd be crazy to say no. I mean, look at this apartment; look at him. Everything's so _perfect_. And what do I have to offer? I don't have money and power and all this." I gesture at the apartment with my open arms. "And he's all charming and everyone loves him and he has his own company, and I'm just a state detective and everyone thinks I'm weird and…" I trail off as I run out of breath and Alex is just staring at me, her expression of shock replaced by one of confusion.

"Bobby, what are you talking about?" She asks, stepping closer to me. I breathe deeper and all I can smell is her. Her sweet perfume and that scent that is so uniquely Alex. I close my eyes and bow my head.

"I love you, Alex." I say softly. "God, I am so in love with you it's ridiculous."

Silence stretches out in the aftermath of my confession and my heart sinks. She's rejecting me. The cold feeling spreads from my heart through tothe rest of my body. I feel her presence move away from me and I fight to open my eyes. When I look at her, she is trembling and if I didn't know better I'd say there were tears in her eyes. God, she's so repulsed by me that she's crying; what was I thinking?

The sound of her voice shocks me. "Bobby…" The softness in the way she says my name only makes my heart break that little bit more. "Tell me you're not just saying that; that it's not just because you hate Daniel and don't want me to marry him-"

"I never said I hated him." I blurt out again before I can stop myself.

She laughs shortly then. "Oh, of course you hate him, Bobby." I can't find it in me to lie by disagreeing with her.

"Tell me that you mean it." She continues and suddenly I understand. I realise why she was trembling and crying. It wasn't because she hated the idea of being with me; it was because she wouldn't allow herself to hope thatI was being serious. I know I'd be exactly the same if the situation were reversed.

I step closer to her and place my hands on her shoulders, feeling her shake beneath my fingers.

"I love you, Alex. I love you more than you can ever know. I don't want you to marry Daniel. I want you to be with me." I take another deep breath to calm myself. "I can't be the charming guy who everyone loves and I can't be the perfect man. I can't give you a big house and a successful company and loads of money. All I have is all of me, and that's all that I can give. But it's all your's if you'll have me."

Her tears are falling freely now as she looks back at me. I wipe a tear away from her cheek with my thumb and she sucks in a breath at the contact.

"It's all I've ever wanted." She says it so quietly I barely hear it.

My hands slip from her shoulders to her face and I bring my lips to hers. All we have is each other, but it's more than either of us could ever have wished for.

* * *

_All I have is all of me, and it's all that I can give._

_Our disappointed hearts will heal; our hearts will spill; over you, over me, over this._

('All I Have' – The Rocket Summer)

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**Thanks a lot for reading. Please review and let me know if I got the characters right and if you think I should continue with the series. Xx**


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